Kevin->Write(thoughts, browser, time)

I've struggled with how to begin this post. But I think the right thing to do just dive right in and admit that this is a post about tits. Not the objects per se, but the word: "tits".

This is a supremely underrated word, and in some ways its a shame that it refers to what it does, because its referent severely limits the acceptable contexts for use. But, of course, some of its delight is caused by its association with the referent, so a full seperation would be a bad thing.

Often in our four years of living in the same room, Ben and I would work tits into conversations. Again, not the referent. Just the word. It has a certain...snap to it. One syllable, with a sharp t-sound starting things off. It's a word that simultaneously means business and exudes jocularity. "That's totally tits!"

One severely underused locution is "Tits up." Enron went tits up; GM is on the way.

In his very famous and very funny bit on the seven words you cannot say on television, George Carlin gets it right:

"Tits doesn't even belong on the list, you know. It's such a friendly sounding word. It sounds like a nickname. 'Hey, Tits, come here. Tits, meet Toots, Toots, Tits, Tits, Toots.' It sounds like a snack doesn't it? Yes, I know, it is, right. But I don't mean the sexist snack, I mean, New Nabisco Tits. The new Cheese Tits, and Corn Tits and Pizza Tits, Sesame Tits Onion Tits, Tater Tits, Yeah. Betcha can't eat just one. That's true I usually switch off . But I mean that word does not belong on the list."

But something is lost here, without his magnificent delivery. You should try to find a recording: the smarmy glee and perfect timing with which he delivers the "I mean, NEW NABISCO TITS!", and the soft, almost whispered throwaway aside, "That's true...I usually switch off.." is simply divine. This might be the right time to recognize that a certain brand of icewater feminist is by now deeply offended by this post. Ms. Icewater, no one is a bigger feminist than Bitch PhD. Go read that article; Bitch PhD gets it. OWN the word. I own it too. My tits are just a little underdeveloped. It's a fun word for those floppy bits. Much better than "boobs".

So, to the point. Steve at The Sneeze gets "tits" right regularly. Here is his most recent excerpt:

"Cookie Monster is kind of a mess. He doesn't understand how pronouns work, he's got very poor social skills and a severe double-shot of lazy eye. But when it comes to cookies, he totally gets it. Cookies are fucking fantastic. No matter what's going on, I'm up for a cookie. They're fun, they're always a treat and just about anytime of day I would like one in my mouth. They are the tits of food."

Isn't that brilliant? I have not words to do justice to Mr. Steve. Bask in his genius.

This is one of the funniest goddamned things I've ever read.

I'm a longtime MeFi lurker, but I've never paid the five bucks to join and contribute. And the reason is that I know that my contributions could never be as humorous as those of Astro Zombie, loquacious, and quonsar, in particular. Just quit reading this blog and go lurk right now, please.

I owe you a book project year-end post, as the year ended a few days ago. But first I have a backlog of reviews to get through, and I don't have the books on me right now. Hopefully this will all happen in the next week. Suffice to say that, except for going to grad school and not having any time to read anything anymore ever, I found the project to be a smashing success.

That's all for now. Kevinwrites out.

In this space, in....October? November?...I predicted that the Cavs would struggle to a fourth seed, win their first round series, and exit gallantly to one of the truly good NBA teams in the second round. Well, kevinwrites readers, I am happy to report that those Cavs have indeed earned the fourth seed in the playoffs, and assuming that they make it through the Wizards, which is hardly a sure thing, they are due for a second round matchup with the Pistons, who are the best team in basketball. I am a genius.

So, what about those Wizards? If the Cavs can get through this series, and LeBron wins the MVP award, as it looks like he might, LeBron year 3 will be an unqualified success. Let's match-em-up!

Point Guard: Eric Snow vs. Gilbert Arenas. Arenas has improved every season that he's been in the league, and is evolving into a genuine franchise player. He does everything well...but he doesn't scare me. I fear certain guys in the league: Kobe, Wade, Carmelo, anybody on the Pistons, Paul Pierce, The Dirk-even guys like Mike Bibby and Tony Parker always seem to hit the big shot at the right time. Arenas? Not a fearsome guy...yet. I think he can be handled by Hughes, who will likely match up with him on defense. Still, Snow has been the worst point guard in the league at the offensive end, and no amount of defense and veteran grit can make up for that. Huge edge: Wizards

Shooting Guard: Larry Hughes vs. Jared Jeffries. It remains to be seen how sharp Hughes will be. In the two games I've seen since he has returned from his thumb injury, he's been off on his jumper and hesitant going to the basket. Jeffries is a decent NBA player who will be tasked with containing LeBron and making open jumpers. On paper, Hughes is the much better player...If Jeffries comes close to winning this matchup, the Cavs are in big trouble. Edge: Cavs

Small Forward: LeBron James vs. Caron Butler. We're all familiar with the resume of King James. It's time for him to put up his numbers on the big stage, and you read it here first: LeBron is going to have a fucking MONSTER series. Butler is a solid pro, certainly one of the top 25 forwards in basketball. It's not clear at this point that you'd rather have Hughes than him, which is bad news for the Cavs. Edge: Cavs

Power Forward: Drew Gooden vs. Antawn Jamison. Battle of Huge College Stars from Big Time Programs Who've Been Slightly Disappointing In The League. Gooden has hustle, rebounding, and a nifty jump hook but almost nothing else. Jamison does everything pretty well and has big advantages over Gooden in athleticism and a better jump shot with 3 point range. Gooden will have problems with Jamison on defense; the Cavs might do well to put LeBron on him and go small with Ilgauskas/Marshall, Hughes, Jones, and Snow at times. This matchup is an Edge: Wizards; how big of an edge it is will go a long way towards deciding the series.

Center: Zydrunas Ilgauskas vs. Brendan Haywood. The Cavs need Big Z to own this matchup on the offensive end. If Z can get Haywood in foul trouble and force double teams, that will open up the Cavalier offense tremendously. LeBron and Hughes need opportunities for easy buckets; when Z is successful on offense, they often get them. Haywood is a big body who is an offensive nonfactor, but is perfectly capable of shutting Z down on D. Another important matchup. Edge: Cavs

Bench: Flip Murray, Donyell Marshall, Damon Jones, Anderseon Varejao vs. Antonio Daniels, Michael Ruffin, Etan Thomas. Flip can be a dominant scorer, but he sucks on D and is a streaky shooter. If Marshall and Jones can hit open 3s, Cavs will win. Varejao provides energy and rebounding. Daniels is a solid lead guard who would start for a lot of teams, including the Cavs. There's no one else on the Wizard's bench who would make the Cavs' rotation; foul trouble could be a factor for them. LeBron and Hughes need to get the basket at every opportunity to try to force fouls and get the thin Wizard bench prominently involved. Slight Edge: Cavs

Coach: Mike Brown vs. Eddie Jordan: Brown has done an adequate job thus far. I've seen about sixty games; there are never any moments when one wonders what he's doing, but never any moments when one finds a Brown move to be exceptional. This is Brown's first year as a head coach and his first playoff game. Jordan is battle-tested. Edge: Wizards

Intangibles: Home court advantage is a big plus for the Cavs. They really need to head back to Washington up 2-0 with the way that they've struggled against good teams on the road. The Cavs have better talent at the top and at the end of the bench, but the Wizards have big advantages from player 3-6, which is a very interesting dynamic. Hughes still looks a little hurt...will he be the high flying sidekick that LeBron needs? Will LeBron crack under playoff pressure? Should I be afraid of Arenas? Will Snow make even one open jump shot? What will either team get from the bench? Can the Cavs defend a team with so many solid scorers? Edge: Even

Pick: Cavs in 7. Home team wins every game. LeBron averages 36, 9, and 9. Stay tuned.

I got an email from Ticketmaster today. The subject line said, "Don't miss Kelly Clarkson!" Since I have trouble imagining any scenario in which I spent actual American dollars on Clarkson tickets, I imagine that Ticketmaster's marketing team needs to refine their ticket-spam algorithm. In particular, here is how it should work for me, in pseudo pseudo-code:

void Spam_Kevin_With_Tickets?() {
If the artist is Ben Folds { don't bother, because Kevin already bought the tickets direct from Ben's website.}

If the artist is some damn metal band I'm getting dragged to by Wes or Clint {
If the cost is less than ten dollars, send the email}
else don't bother.

Don't Bother.
}

Scene: Aging man sits on my left in coffee shop. He is immediately suspicious, as he is reading a USA Today, which does not come out on weekends, so the information he is paging through is three days old. On my right, and slightly behind, a man and woman, late 20s, conversing about graduate school in French. They could be a couple; they could just be a couple of graduate students gossiping. Ms. French goes to the bathroom.

USA Yesterday:(to Mr. French) Are you at Ohio State?
Mr. French: Oh no, I'm not, she is though.
USA Yesterday: Well, I do have to applaud your judgment. That is one extremely beautiful young lady you've got there.
All: (Stunned silence)

Fin

Coffee shop notoriously frequented by gay men and women and, well, me. I sit by the window, facing a man at the next table. An attractive woman walks by outside. I glance at her, and as my eyes return to the table, they catch his, also looking at her. We share an embarassed smirk, both caught, prompting this thought:

HAHAHA WE HAVE OUTED OURSELVES WE ARE THE STRAIGHT ONES WHO IS IN THE CLOSET NOW, MR. BIG SHOT HETERO WOMAN-GAWKER!?!?!?

"I am so tired of that guy, the hoodie guy. I feel like Jon Favreau in Swingers, when he says, “And it’s like I’m supposed to be all happy because she’s, like, wearing a backpack?” The last three guys I’ve dated all owned this jacket. All in the same color. Granted, I’m hardly a fashion maven, and it’s not like I don’t own all the same shit too, but can we at least change it up a little? There’s nothing like a button-down, untucked, sleeves rolled up. Man. I love that. Or maybe take it out on a limb, try something new. I mean, I would totally go out with a guy if he was dressed all early-space program astronaut. And then settle down and raise a bunch of NASA babies who listen to nothing but Burt Bacharach."

"But diving in soccer is a problem. It is essentially a combination of acting, lying, begging and cheating, an unappealing mix."
Here.