Kevin->Write(thoughts, browser, time)

void Kevin::Write(char *thoughts, char *browser, int time) allows an object of the Kevin class to create printed english text. The function opens a blogger account (automatically associated with the particular Kevin object) using the web browser resouce identified by browser, and while time > 0 and interrupts are disabled, uses blogger to translate thoughts into text.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005


Profiles of Co-Workers

(Names left out to protect the mostly innocent, and all have been masculinized, for fun.)

Enjoys giving me a hard time, to impress my female counterpart, and knows how to twist the knife so I'm irritated. Nagged me about my smoking until I offered to bet him 20 bucks that I could quit for a week. He refused, saying I could cheat anytime, which is true, but he still looked bad for backing out in front of people and quit bothering me, which was the point.

Fat, lazy, tremendous bullshitter. On third wife, visits the casino every weekend. Maybe my favorite guy.

Behind his back, is referred to as "The Amazing _____" Has his first name on his license plate. Rumored to be lying and incompetent, but seems ok to me.

Shows up late EVERY DAY. His girlfriend often calls and he will have loud, very public fights on the phone with her. Would be fired if we weren't so shorthanded. Nice enough.

Young, hilarious. Smo' weed every day. Fucks shit up a lot. The previous two statements may be related.

If Tim Heacock worked for a glass company, he would be this guy.

The picture of the average American. Fills out publishers clearinghouse sweepstakes forms, plays lotto, in debt on new car.

Competent, boring. (This one covers about five people)

Arrogant ass. Lazy and lying. Was caught stealing MASSIVELY from the company and not fired.

Looks sort of like a gorilla. Makes a hundred terrible jokes a day, many of them about gayness. Probably in the closet.

Bill Simmons on Lebron and the Cavs

Last week on Lebron:

"He's headed for 55 wins on a team with an overmatched coach, two decent starters, three role players and a bunch of stiffs. More importantly, he's reached 'There's nothing on right now, maybe I'll flick on The Package and see if Lebron is playing' status - which hasn't happened since MJ was playing in Chicago. Not only is Lebron the most talented young player since MJ 20 years ago, he's going to average a triple-double within the next five years. And he just turned 20. This is unbelievable.

Two questions remain...
A. Over the past three months, have you seen anything to make you think that we're NOT watching someone in the early stages of becoming the greatest basketball player ever?

B. And did you ever think we would see a player who combined the best qualities of a Young MJ and a Young Magic?

(Me neither.)"

This week on Boozer:

"I like Boozer. I think he's a good player...but the Cavs haven't missed him at all. Not even remotely. And now they have the cap space this summer to get Ray Allen or Michael Redd. Worked out pretty well for them."

Tuesday, January 11, 2005


Dear Average American Person,

The Republican party is the party that makes policy favorable to rich people, and the Democratic party is the party that makes policy favorable to poor people. Those two facts are indisputable. You are not rich, and you are never going to be rich. If you voted Republican for a social agenda, you are living in the wrong county, because this country is free. The government isn't supposed to shape social policy here. The people do that, and lately, the corporations. Move to Iran.
Grouchy Kevin

Lies I have heard or have told today

Basically, my job is to listen to lies all day, and to occasionally tell my own. I'll let you figure out which were mine and which I had to listen to.

"I'll call you back."

"When I bought one before, I paid 63.50"

"Before, I was managing 30 people in a warehouse. Got too stressful, too much time away from home. That's why I'm here."

"I'll call you back."

"I'm very sorry."

"Sorry about that."

"I'm very sorry."

"The BBC is just another mainstream liberal media organization."

"I should cut back more. Maybe get one of those patch things."

"I laid out four hundred dollars of my own money when that van got stolen. I think I should get some credit on that windshield."

"I'll get right on that."

"You sent the wrong moulding; it was mispackaged. I need a hotshot to fix your mistake."

If I may step up to the soap box for a moment, success in business is lying well. Businesses do not exist to serve their customers; they exist to turn profits and grow. Sales is the root of business growth. If I sell Fords, I don't need a salesman to reach the guy who needs a Ford or wants a Ford. That motherfucker is gonna buy a Ford. But if those are the only people I reach, I don't turn a profit, because there aren't goddamned enough of them. It doesn't matter to me or my business if those customers are satisfied; businesses do not exist to serve people; they exist to turn profits and grow. Sales is the art of convincing people that they need something, or that they want something. Sales requires lies. Salesmen get paid to tell lies, and they are necessary to the function of business. Why are we shocked at Enron? Lying about finances is fantastic business practice and only the tip of the lying iceberg. Success in business is lying well. The truth is unimportant. Businesses do not exist to serve the truth; they exist to turn profits and grow.

Sunday, January 02, 2005


New Year's Day in Columbus

(Coffee shop discussion regarding how humans eat too much dairy)

Tim: I mean, no other animals drink the milk of other animals, just people.
Kevin: That's true. Of course, we did drive here, which animals don't do either. I guess we'd better walk home.
T: From now on, we only do what a cow would do.
Will: Well, I...
T(interrupting): Would a cow say that?
W: No, I...
T(interrupting): A cow wouldn't say that either, would it?

AJS and I did new years at the Monk and at the Robbins Manse with several Wooster young'ns and Eric and Renee and William Bruce Evans the First, who is back from his Austrian adventure until tuesday. Tim joined us on saturday for bowling, bars, billiards, beer, b-pizza, and b-darts. I drank far too much on Friday night and had a bad hangover. I made my second roundtrip Missouri-Ohio drive in a week, which is barely tolerable.


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