Kevin->Write(thoughts, browser, time)

Man Blamed for the 'Metrosexual' Says 'Sorry' - and Outs Himself As 'Lesbosexual'

"I had no idea what I was starting," he said, speaking exclusively from his home in London, England. "If I'd known that metrosexuals would take over the world and make everyone wear fake tan and use glutinous hair care products I would have written about baseball instead."

Went to bed early, got up early. Talked to my Big Poppa about random things over breakfast. Hit the local Cup O Joe, one of the best places ever. Big line, staring at menu and yummy looking pastries, note existence of attractive girl in beret, black dress and chin piercing-by the looks of the notecards she's studying, a Capital University student. Order my chai latte and wait for them to make it in the corner. As I wait, Graying Man In Nondescript Business-ish Clothes, lets call him a real estate agent, leans over to Beret girl and makes some comment about her chin stud. She looks irritated and tosses him a half-smile, but he keeps talking, and then asks her why she isn't talking to him. A beat passes, she doesn't look up and responds, "My mouth is full", which is hilarious because she's eating nothing. He takes the fucking hint finally and walks away. She tosses a frustrated glance towards the several of us watching from the service line-not me, I look like All-American Fratboy today, probably Quadrulple Espresso Overcoat and Stringy Hair Hipster Boy. I get served and walk out, satisfied with life.

Point is, I need to find a job where I mostly just watch people try to pick up strangers in public places, and I'll be happy.

Note: It's a free, Columbus news and arts oriented, weekly alternative newspaper, findable at coffee shops and the like.

#1: From a Type O Negative concert review, "In attendance was lots of black on black on pale skin and many burly girls with spiderweb eyes dressed like Rose Bowl Parade Clydesdales stuffed into zippered patent-leather and heavy bootwear adorned with buckles and studs. The guys, however, wore standard issue black metal T-shirts, and there was the occaisonal dude in a dress. Ah, bat cave people. My people."

#2 From The Movie Grid:

Brother Bear (Not Reviewed) Once again, some little animal's parent DIES. Way to go, Disney.

Bubba Ho-Tep **** Bruce Campbell and his chin as Elvis fight a mummy. We are not making this up.

The Cat In The Hat * We would not see it in a boat, we would not see it with a goat. We would not see it in a house, we would not see it with a mouse.

Kill Bill Vol. 1 **** Quentin Tarantino finds an outlet for his violent streak in a campy martial arts movie. Also appearing: swords.

Luther (Not Reviewed) Joseph Fiennes plays the monk who led the Christian Reformation and zzzzzzzzzzzz.

This is fairly old, but it hit Fark today for some reason so I was reminded. I'd classify it as, "Not exactly right and a little too perjorative, but neither exactly wrong; food for thought."

From Abby's:

me: (giving Kevin study advice):okay so only drink 2 beers and spend the 20 minutes that you wouldve spent drinking the third beer and study then
kev: hehe, that's even better. everyone loves a comprimise!
me: everyone loves a good speller too
me: mr. comprimise
kev: touché. fyi, should you ever make a spelling mistake in my presence henceforth, i'll be all over you like michael jackson on little boys
me: i lyke mikl jaksun ... billie gene iz mi favurit sawng

Go us! Comedic genius in action or some such.

My favorite sports columnist is Bill Simmons, despite his soccer disdain, and he can be found here. This isn't really written by him, it's the text of coach Al Pacino's speech to his team at the end of the movie Any Given Sunday. But you should still go read him anyway if you like sports. To the point, this speech rules. It's the best locker room speech ever, no doubt.

"You know, when you get old in life, things get taken from you. That's part of life. But you only learn that when you start losing stuff. You find out that life's a game of inches. So is football. Because in either game, life or football, the margin for error is so small. I mean, one half a step too late, or too early, and you don't quite make it. One half-second too slow or too fast, you don't quite catch it. The inches we need are everywhere around us. They're in every break of the game, every minute, every second."

(Now the players are clapping ...)

"On this team, we fight for that inch. On this team, we tear ourselves and everyone around us for that inch. We claw with our fingernails for that inch. Because we know that when we add up all those inches, we know that's gonna make the #$%#^@& difference between winning and losing! Between living and dying!"

(Now the players are screaming along with every word...)

"I'll tell you this -- in any fight, it's the guy who's willing to die who's gonna win that inch ... Now I can't make you do it. You gotta look at the guy next to ya, look into his eyes, and I think you're gonna see a guy who will go that inch with you."

(The light bulb finally clicks for enigmatic QB Willie Beamon ... he strolls toward his coach, inspired ...)

"You're gonna see a guy who will sacrifice himself for this team because he knows when it comes down to it, you're gonna do the same for him. That's a team, gentleman. And either we heal, now, as a team ... or we will die as individuals. That's football, guys. That's all it is."

(Dramatic pause)

"Now, what are you gonna do?"

(Complete Pandemonium in the locker room. Chills galore. And the team bursts out of the locker room in slow motion ...)

This actually happened several weeks ago at Brews, but it still makes me chuckle:

Tiff: What are you drinking?
Me: Jim Beam, on the rocks
Tiff: Ugh. What happened to you today?
Me: Whaddya mean? I drink this all the time.
Tiff. Uh...What happened in your life?

Bourbon is an excellent drink. If you're drinking straight whiskey, you are automatically more sophisticated than anyone drinking beer, even if the beer is an excellent beer and the bourbon is Jim Beam. However, bourbon whiskey also manages to not be a pretentious ass drink, like a martini or some such. Bourbon is a wise old alcoholic grandpa drink, which is an appealing facade to present as long as you aren't trying to pick up girls. And let's face it, no girl is going to be attracted to you based on how you fuck yourself up. So in summation: bourbon, good times. To bed now; happy birthday Ted!

Just a bizarre day all around, from my three hour morning nosebleed that convinced most of my communications class that I have a coke problem to the tall skinny dyed-white spiky haired motormouth female new doctor of philosophy who came to talk at the colloquim about ethical aesthetics to a truly excellent chick flick (Love Actually, go see it)movie attended with my hot stud roomate(well, one of my three hot stud roommates) and four girls, none of whom are involved with either of us, through revealing late night AIM conversation. Let's hope tomorrow goes more routinely, eh?

Or not...it was actually a pretty good day.

The best website on the internet might not be up much longer. SixSixFive is a list of entries about lots of things which are most often incredibly funny, updated sporadically by Web God JSP. When he gets to six hundred and sixty five entries, he's going to stop, and he's only about ten entries away. So go check it out before it's too late!

Misery Division

Me odio mi vida.
:-(
You're watching the Family Learning Channel. And now, angry ticks fire out of my nipples.
away
Fuck you all. ]:O
"Everyone feels sad sometimes, and it's O.K. to cry... if you're a girl. You see, men, we take sadness and we turn it into anger... Understand?" -Jimmy Kimmel to Kevin Kimmel on crying
blah blah blah
ha! for once in my short college existence, my schedule worked out, i had no dispute with my adviser, and i'm taking 14 credit hours, including a dance class. boo-yah! Of course, this probably means i'll fail to get into one of said (2) courses, as that is how things work around here....
being a single socialist polish kid who live's with Aqil Awan I envy the dead.

Boring Division

I'm around, so call if it's important.
Around...Ps...I love Eme
may the road rise with you...
work.

Goofball Division

if anyone's up for back-rubs, let me know! :-P
I pity the fool who don't realize I'm at work!

A 30 something man in red walks past a group of late 20s women in Brews. He pauses and says something; they look at him like he's a cockroach.

Tim on his secret admirer: "What the fuck is this shit? Is this fifth grade?"

No conversation between my uncle and aunt in my presence that does not relate to their young boys.

Seconds after winning the high school state championship in soccer, my brother is handed a cell phone by his in-far-away-college girlfriend's mother; she's on the other end. Everyone is staring, it's a manufactured sentimental moment. He rolls his eyes, says three words to her and hangs up. He jumps through hoops for no one.

I heart my roommates #1
Kevin: Will, I'm feeling down. I need a purpose in my life.
Will: Change your pants.

I heart my roommates #2
(enter Ben)
Kevin: Look, dickless, you can't come crawling back to the room after you abandoned us for tae kwon do.
Ben: But Kevin I love you! You complete me! You had me at fuck off!

I'm going to miss these boys. Nay, these men. Even Tim, though he didn't say anything funny today. You guys had me at fuck off.

I learned an interesting thing about global monetary policy today: Ok, so IMF or World Bank lends a boatload of money to Troubled Country X-but the only way they do so is if X subscribes to a buncha economic control policies and higher interest rates which fuck over the masses in X in the short run to fix the economy in the long run, leading to loss of jobs and riots and all sorts of unpleasantness. The position presented at the meeting I attended says we shouldn't lend the money unless we do it without controls, because then the aim of the country's fiscal policy shifts towards making interest payments instead of providing for basic needs. Two things:

1) There isn't anyone who would argue that we ought to allow a PERSON who is a bad credit risk to borrow money with the same ease as someone who is a good one. What is the justification for changing the rules on countries? If we lend the money to X without controls, there ain't no guarantee of good economic policy in X and countries that are Troubled stay that way and money that could be spent in a wisely charitable manner is tossed away. If the rules ought to be different for countries, I'm curious to know where the line is drawn for entities with bad credit: Should large corporations get a break? Small corporations? Family businesses? Has anyone thought this through, or are we shooting from the hip with our eyes closed?

2) The only way that liberal economic policies like this ever make sense is if we transform our global economy to a communist or at least socialist model. No individual or company can afford to make serious business decisions based on goodheartedness and charity in a cutthroat capitalistic economy like we have here in America. While a move to a socialistic economy might be an excellent move in the long run, liberals are always afraid to come out and say so. Liberal economic policy in our system is an oxymoron.

(Content edited for feeling like a bad person)

"So far, our favorite album of the year may be Justin Timberlake's solo effort. It's like ol' JT dares you not to dance or sing along. The problem is that lately I find myself thinking things like, 'Man, this meeting would be so much better if Justin Timberlake were here.' Because whether you love or hate him, it's true."

Although come to think of it, In Person Annie could've written this just as easily.

annie.newdream.net

I think there are two sorts of people in the world: People who tell a story because they think it's a good story, and people who tell a story because they think the person that they're telling it to will think that it is a good story.
An examination of my fifteen or twenty favorite people reveals that they belong in the latter group.